Things to do at WalMart
by Lanen
Summary: [be warned I actually wrote this when I was 13... ouch] What happens when a 13yearold psychotic girl reads a chain letter about WalMart and decides to torture the FY gang? Well you’re bound to find out now, aren’tcha? Welcome to my demented mind!


What happens when a 13-year-old psychotic girl reads a chainletter about WalMart and decides to torture the FY gang

All characters copyright their owners.

((Scene one: A girl of about 13 with short brown hair and blue/green/gray eyes has Tamahome, Miaka, Chiriko, Mitsukake, Hotohori, Nuriko, Tasuki, and Chichiri lined up against a wall.  All but the female brunette look absolutely confused and a bit scared.))

Girl: Welcome to my world, everyone!  

Nuriko: Who are you?

Girl: Me?  I'm Lanen, the author, of course…!

Tamahome: Not another author…

Lanen: Yup!  Another one.

Tasuki: (shudder) Why da f*ck do we have to be involved?!  

Lanen: Shut up if you don't want me to hurt you… I can control if you live or die… so **don't do anything stupid.**

Chiriko: (looking at Miaka) Too late…

Miaka: (eating whatever she had in that little backpack of her's, and being completely oblivious to what's going on around her. [Like usual]) (muffled) What did you say?

Lanen: (to Chiriko) That's an exception.  It's not her fault she can't control herself.  Plus, she'd one of my favorites!  Err...off topic…but you **boys** know better.  Don't even **think** of trying anything, got it?  Unless ordered by an author!

Tasuki: Favorites… (cussing like crazy) Damnit! I hate f*cking girls!  This sucks!

Lanen: Tsk, tsk, tsk, Tasuki! Trying to get off on the wrong foot?

Tasuki: ?!

Lanen: A little ahead of your time… sorry!  What I'm saying is that if ya keep that up, you're gonna be tortured by loving fans like me… ALL GIRLS… where you will be chained to a wall and helpless…  go ahead… keep complainin'!

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Chichiri: Why did you bring us here, no da?

Hotohori: To stare at my beautiful face?

Lanen: Not… exactly.  Actually, you are here to aid me on my mission.  Raid WalMart, torture its employees, torture its consumers, and have a lot of fun doing it! 

Tasuki: You are one of the **first** authors that brought us here for fun…

Tamahome: This is some trick isn't it..?

Lanen: Hmm… you're unusually sharp today… but, well, yes, yes I am here for your fun!

Mitsukake: (glares, unsure of what to think of this author)

Lanen: SOOOOO Everyone, come here and I'll give you your posts and directions!

Everyone: (reluctantly) Ok…

Lanen: Hmm…. Wait a second!  I gotta get some peoples to complete this… (grins and her friend Kiyara pops out of thin air.  Followed by the Seiryuu twins, Amiboshi and Suboshi) 

Kiyara: HEY!  I get to be here!

Twins: What…?!

Suzaku seishi: What is this!?  You said you'd be nice!

Lanen: Don't worry, I brought them here to assist in a couple of the festivities… They won't hurt you… or else, of course…

Both Amiboshi and Suboshi: (looking at each other in horror) (then looking at the Suzaku in even more horror) (Amiboshi passed out at the sight of another author)

Suboshi: Uhmm… Amiboshi?  

Kiyara: So Lanen, you have them on a leash, don'tcha?

Lanen: Sure do!  Now let's go have some fun…

*One hour and several sets of normal clothing later* 

Tasuki: (looks over his outfit of a white tee-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket)  (decides its not too bad)

Lanen: Group huddle everyone!!!!

*fifteen minutes later*

((Scene two: Tamahome is in the clock section of the store with a mischievous grin plastered to his face.  He seems to be setting the clocks.))

Tamahome: So the author wants me to set the clocks to go off at 10 minutes intervals throughout the day… hmm…  (has set half the clocks)

Customer: Excuse me, but what're you doing???

Tamahome: Uhmm… uhh… checking if all of the alarms work, of course… 

Customer: (sweatdrop) Oh… Okay… (leaves)

Tamahome: Che… this is really stupid.

Lanen: (walks by) Did you say something, Tamahome?

Tamahome: (nervously) N-no… not a word…

Lanen: I'm watching you… (goes to another department)

Tamahome: (sighs) (alarm clock goes off) (jumps another 3 feet) Alright, alright… (continues to set the clocks)

((Scene three: Hotohori is cussing under his breath as he wears the WalMart costume.  He has just finished putting every M&M bag in the store in the warehouse.))

Customer: (approaching Hotohori)  (looks at tag) Excuse me, uhmm, Bill.

Hotohori: (thinking: _Bill_?!) Yes?

Customer: I was curious as to where you would have any M&Ms… Even though it is a stupid question…

Hotohori: (mumbling) You don't know the half…

Customer: Hmm?

Hotohori: They're on layaway. 

Customer: M&Ms?! On LAYAWAY!? 

Hotohori: (nodding)

Customer: What is the world coming to? (walks away just a tad bit freaked out about the chocolates)

Hotohori: You'd never guess…

((Scene four: Chiriko is walking to the electronics section of WalMart, searching for an employee.))

Chiriko: (spots one) Excuse me, sir?

Employee: Yes?

Chiriko: (in serious tone) I think we have a Code 3 in House Wares…

Employee: Oh dear! (runs of to the other side of the store)

Chiriko: (shaking his head and sighing) Poor delusional fool…

((Scene five: Mitsukake is towering over the customers in the stores.  He walks toward the radios.)

Mitsukake: (silently) (turns two radios onto the Polka Station)

Customers: (looking up and around, curiously) 

Mitsukake: (continues)  (then blasts them and leaves quietly, leaving the entire Electronic department in a ruckus) 

Lanen: (giving Mitsukake a high-five) Let's watch the reaction…

((Various customers are staring at each other.  The employees are trying to find the culprit, calm down the customers, and turn of the music off all at once.  Two people are actually dancing… they knock down a display.  The entire area has turned into a war zone.   Police have been called in.))

Lanen: We should leave…

((Scene six: Nuriko is standing in the gift-wrap aisle.  He is holding a tube of metallic silver gift wrap in his right hand.  A woman of maybe 20 walks past him.))

Nuriko: Engarde!

Woman: … 

Nuriko: (holds out tube of gift wrap)  (woman takes it)

Woman: (smacks Nuriko over the head with it)

Nuriko: (eyes are all swirly and little phoenixes fly around his head.) Ow…

((Scene seven: Tasuki is holding a jug of orange juice, and standing a few yards outside of the restrooms. He doesn't look too happy…))

Tasuki: I got stuck with the most f*cking stupid job of them all… (pours the orange juice all the way to the nearest urinal all over the nicely tiled floor) 

Customers: (peering at the orange juice and looking disgusted) The nerve of some people! 

Tasuki: (comes out of the bathroom and ducks behind a clothing rack)

Lanen: Hiii Tasuki! (glomps Tasuki)

Tasuki: (prying Lanen off of him) Get the f*ck off of me!

Lanen: Shh… do you want everyone to hear you?  Let's just chill man… look at the faces on them!  Hahah…

Tasuki: (glaring)

Lanen: I could've sworn I heard you complaining before…

Tasuki: (alarmed) No! No swearin'! 

Lanen: Alright, then… 

((Scene eight: Chichiri is carrying a bright yellow "Caution: Wet Floor" sign under his arm.  He darts to the nearest clothing section: Lingerie.  Blushing furiously, he puts the sign down.))

Chichiri: (red) (takes out a bottle of water that has been dyed yellow) He pours it all over the area surrounding the sign.)

Women: (shrieking) EWWWWWWWWW

Woman: (spots Chichiri) PERVERT!!!!!!!! 

Chichiri: (runs away, getting pelted with various items…) ITAI, NO DA!?

((Scene nine: Miaka and Tamahome are in the Camping Department of WalMart.  They have set up a tent.))

Miaka: OOH!  This is so romantic!!!

Tamahome: (sweatdrop) 

Camping Department Manager: Excuse me, but you have to leave…

Miaka: You can only come in if you have --- what was it again??

Tamahome: You have to have pillows from Bed and Bath!

Manager: … I am going to have to call Security…

Lanen: (suddenly walking by) Excuse me, would you be able to help me with this… (walks with Manager to other end of department so Tamahome and Miaka are out of trouble for the time being.)

Tamahome: I just don't get her…

Miaka: What'd you say Tamahome?

Tamahome: Nothing, Miaka, nothing…

((Scene ten: Suboshi is looking around the candy aisle as if it was his first day on earth… well… technically… it is… but… you get the point…))

Employee: Can I help you?

Suboshi: (crying) Why don't you people leave me alone?! (runs off)

Employee: Okay, then… (sweatdrop)

((Scene eleven: Hotohori is standing in the Toiletries aisle.  He is holding a case of floss.))

Hotohori: (turns to Lanen) Must I do this??

Lanen: Uh-huh.

Hotohori: (takes out the floss) (he looks into the security camera and gives a toss of his hair.)

Lanen: (snickers)

Hotohori: (flosses his teeth for all of Security to see)

((Meanwhile, in Security…))

Man: (shudders) Why did I choose this job?!

((Scene twelve: Amiboshi and Suboshi are in the Toy aisle.  Boxes are littered in strategic positioning…))

Amiboshi: Hmm… GI Joes verses X-Men… 

Child: (runs down the hallway and knocks over some things)

Suboshi: Noo! (picks it up)

Adult: (tramples through the mess)

Suboshi: My war!  My well thought our war!  Gone!

Adult: …

Amiboshi: All of that work… gone… all gone… She'll kill me… (referring to Lanen)

Adult: Kids… you have some issues…

((Scene thirteen: Mitsukake is going down the halls, and has stopped ever person he's seen.))

Mitsukake: (uncomfortably) Do you have any Grey Poupon? 

Person: No…

Mitsukake: Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Woman: I don't think soo…

Mitsukake: (glowers) (turns to another person) Do you have any Grey—

Kiyara: NANI?!  What the hell are you talking about?!

Mitsukake: …

Kiyara: Oh!  Did Lanen set you up to this (evil grin)? 

Mitsukake: How'd you **ever** guess…?

Kiyara: Cuz I do the same kind of stuff to the Slayers peoples! 

Mitsukake: (sweatdrops) Dear Suzaku…

Kiyara: Hey, let's play a joke on her!

Mitsukake: …She'll kill me…

Kiyara: Nah, she's obsessed with you guys…

Mitsukake: ?!

((Scene fourteen: Miaka is standing in a stall in the bathroom, a bit embarrassed.))

Miaka: (nervously) HEY!  ANYONE GOT A TAMPON?!

((Scene fifteen: Nuriko is darting around from racks of clothing to behind corners in aisles.  People stare at him.))

Nuriko: Dum-dum-duh-nuh-nuh… Dum-dum-duh-nuh-nuh… (to Mission Impossible theme) doo-doo-doooo, doo-doo-dooo, doo-doo-doo--- duh-nuh! (darts around with an evil grin)

Employee: Excuse me, but what do you think you're doing?

Nuriko: (looks up in horror) (pushes up sleeve to reveal a watch) Abort mission! I said, abort! Abort! (into the watch)

Employee: I'm sorry, but I think I have another call in aisle 7…

((Scene sixteen: Kiyara and Mitsukake snicker as they've tracked down where Lanen is in the store.  A yellow sticky note is on the floor in the center of the empty window treatment aisle.  Lanen looks down at it curiously.))

Lanen: (quoting the note) "We have your Dr. Pepper and Mini Muffins.  I am also holding your inside joke, the "sodafish", hostage.  You will never see your older sketchbooks or your pet cockatiel unless you stop immediately.  Give it up if you ever want them again!" (cries) BUT "I _RAPE_ SODAFISH"*! (sniffles)

((Mitsukake turns an odd shade of green and turned to Kiyara who grinned mischiefly.)) 

Mitsukake: (whispering to Kiyara) You're sure this'll work?

Kiyara: (whispers back) Positive…

Lanen: (still whimpering) MY SUGAR! MY CAFFIENE! ALL RIGHT! I call it off… I'll call them all back… (cries) I didn't want to hurt anyone… I just hoped we could all have fun running a muck at WalMart.  No harm.  I surrender myself.  I'm sorry. (screams) **ALL SEISHI (and Miko) REPORT TO AISLE 2! Please…** please… my bird… my baby birdie… my sketches… my life…

((By now, Kiyara's face is turning red from all of the laughter she's containing.  Mitsukake frowns, knowing it was wrong.))

Lanen: (wipes tears from eyes as all 10 assemble before her) I'm sorry everyone, but you're going to have to go back.  I'll send the tape of whatever was recorded here to you.  Miaka'll show you it before you return to the other world.  You'd like it.  But unfortunately, I have to stop.  I was only trying to have fun, but someone took it too seriously.  Sorry.

Tasuki: What the fuck are you talking about? 

Lanen: I have a ransom note.  I have to stop.  

Tasuki: I meant about fun.  That was s'posed to be fuckin' fun!? 

Lanen: But weren't the reactions humorous…? You'd see in the video…

((Suddenly giggles are erupting from behind the blinds in this aisle.  Lanen raises an eyebrow as Kiyara stumbles out.))

Lanen: What's so funny, baka? 

Kiyara: (in between laughter) I….. (laugh) made (giggles) the ransom note! (continues laughing)

Lanen: I could kill you… KIYARA! (attempts gagging her) (fails and sighs hopelessly) And it's too late because I ended the fic…

Kiyara: Hahaha… 

Lanen: Let's go to Electronics and pop in into a VCR. (takes out the recorded tape of the happenings)

((Scene seventeen: All are in the electronic department, watching the video and laughing.)

Lanen: Toldja it was funny!

*Biggest misinterpretation of the century.  I was with my friends Kiyara and Liave and I said, "Let's go downstairs!"  Kiyara thought I said, "I rape sodafish"… Liave broke out in giggles… 


End file.
